Heavy Hearts, Yet a Very Good God

On days like today, I try to find pockets of time where I can slow down to a steady rhythm. Moving at a swift pace can be all too easy for me and when it is time to quiet the moving of my soul and mind, it becomes more of a task than a step to fall in to.Today, the sun is at its full height. Trees are swaying in a sultry summer breeze and the beauty of life is in full bloom. In this present moment, I am thankful for days where time seems to slow to the steady back and forth of leaves in wind and breath is easier to take in.A few years ago, I wrote a poem,I have chosen to make fields of flowers//  where I have felt valleys of shame //because my Abba does not give life for it // to be solemn and melancholic to the soul.I wrote this poem out of my own space of coming to terms with my own healing, mental growth, and my spiritual capacity to see God in the midst of things I didn't understand.These last few months have been heavy and full of moments where understanding has seeped through the cracks. The months feel heavy and weighty in a way that only sadness and grief can feel. It is as if the world has hit a fork in the road and we, as humanity, have forgotten compassion, empathy, and the sanctity of life. When I look at all of the headlines, from racial tensions, apathetic views of Black lives and immigrant lives, the number of deaths from COVID-19, and the seemingly insurmountable numbers surrounding human trafficking--every single thing feels overwhelmingly impossible.This past week has been one of the hardest as I have grappled with the finite ability of me (Antavia) to save the world. I cannot do everything nor save everyone, which is fact and important to note, as I am one person. However, when I think of God, who in His infinite capability uses the beauty and boldness of human beings, 9created in His Image) to enact change in the world, there is a flutter of hope.In my prayers to a loving God who sits with us in our moments of grief, I have asked what can be done? What is it that we can do in addition to prayer? This is not to undermine the power of prayer, I believe in it and have seen how it works and how God moves. However, I feel that as Christ-followers, we hide behind rhetoric and the pious action of prayer to avoid stepping out into uncomfortable places to avoid uncomfortable situations and conversations.The response of this loving God is to remember to Whom we belong. When people do not know themselves, we cannot know others. If I am unaware of the love, creativity, and hope that lies on the inside of me, how can I offer it to anyone else?I think the biggest problem we face today creatively, mentally, and even spiritually is not knowing to Whom we belong. Not knowing who we are. Out of longing we can attach ourselves to people, places, and things that end up being where we lose ourselves instead of finding ourselves in the One who created us.Everything the world needs, God has already placed on the inside of us.Jesus walked this earth fully aware of his purpose and his calling. His innate desire was to see people healed, whole, and reconciled to the heart of a loving Father. If Jesus had not known his purpose, where would that leave all of humanity?If Jesus had to be sure of his calling, how much more must we be assured in God--assured in the One who calls us unto Himself?Yes, the world needs those of us who follow Christ to pray--to pray with wisdom and insight, and in accordance with the will of God. However, the world that we live in that affects 7 billion people in an infinite number of ways needs the people of God, who know who they are, to begin making change in their own sphere of influence as God calls them to.It is obvious that not everyone will be evangelists and pastors-not everyone should be. But the world does need activists and artists and dancers and poets and therapists and psychologists who know to Whom they belong.That is where change will begin to be enacted. God is infinite and wholly holy and full of love that can never be extinguished. Those of us who know this kind of love cannot be afraid to share it and walk in it.My prayer is that humanity will be a people that knows the love of God, knows the beauty of Holy Spirit, and the joy of Jesus. Knowing this changes the world. This is my hope and my desire as I live on this earth. I want to create a better world not just for the children I hope to have one day have, but for all of the tiny hearts and minds and souls that are already here.What we do now, affects those who come after us. I want wholeness not just for myself, but for all the ones who come after me. 

Sincerely a poet giving her heavy heart to a good God,

Antavia

  

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